Just when you need a laugh, a girl friend delivers....

Ok, as many of you may know (or not), I am quite famous for not being the sharpest tool in the shed. A friend who recalls one of my more stellar moments and sent me this...it was just too funny and I had to share. I have no idea if it's true or not, just that it is funny...here you go (enjoy!):-) From Laura H: I thought of you since I figured if a person can get locked in her own TV room in her own house...... > > One Woman's Tale of Woe > > All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, > painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...thewax. > > My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, > play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in > my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out > of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the > bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot > wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and > you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and > you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I > mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure > this out. (YA THINK!?!) > > So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other > stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so > I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," > yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it > tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it > wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am > She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin > extraordinaire. > > With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak > back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I > drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same > procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini > line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the > inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and > brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! > > I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision > returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. > CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and > spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear > crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. > > I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused > me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in > the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! > There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? > > Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the > hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. > CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is > now covered in cold wax and matted hair. > > Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up > on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. > DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! > Butt?? Sealed shut! > > I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and > think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may > pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts > wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, > immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently > wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* > > I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to > torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, > the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is > having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in > scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now > I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself > to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months > ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! > > I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some > secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter > - > > "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" > There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal > but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly > where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" > She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown > and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! > Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go > through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a > razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in > hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then > dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, > dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need > Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. > > My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving > grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I > really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! > > The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my > friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It > works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. > I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my > grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF > IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by > now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. > > Next week I'm going to try hair color......